This site was created to encourage and support one another through this struggle called life. This is a safe, nonjudgmental place where you can feel free to open up about your experiences with anxiety, OCD, phobias, panic disorders and any other mental illness struggles that you encounter

This is long but it’s me. 100%, raw and real.

I have been saying for years that I want to write a book about my life with OCD, anxiety, panic and phobia disorders. Until now, I never really wanted anyone to know just how severe it was. There is a lot of shame and humiliation behind being completely transparent. But we really do need to end the stigma behind mental illness. Most of us are the kindest, warmest, gentlest, most honest, loving, affectionate, compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic and genuine people, you’ll ever meet. Most of us can not do anything “bad” or “immoral” because it’s just not in our chemical make up. Most of us suffer with severe guilt when we haven’t even done anything wrong. Many of us confess any time we feel we have made a mistake, or apologize when we were not at fault. Or beg the forgiveness and just want to love those who have hurt us.

People think that because most of us do “normal” even “awesome” things like going to concerts, traveling, flying in planes, eating at restaurants, attending crowded places, visiting friends, etc, that we have it all, without a care in the world. (By the way, all of those things cause me MASSIVE anxiety, but honestly, nothing doesn’t). Social media has made it almost “taboo” to post anything that isn’t positive, happy, joyous. So, those are the types of things we post; because it’s what people want to see. But is it reality? Not in my world. People wonder how I’ve done some of the things that I’ve done. “Oh my God, you were on The Bachelor, how could you have possibly done that if you suffer from these things?”. The answer, BARELY and not without massive anxiety. Let me explain how things really are for me.

Imagine your biggest fears. Now imagine that literally every second of every day, every single thing you did, you had to protect yourself from your biggest fears coming true. You are on constant high alert. Constantly watching everything and everyone around you. Expecting it to happen at any moment. “Is it going to happen? Is it going to happen? It’s going to happen. I know it’s going to happen. OMG, I can’t do this. I need to get out of here. Why did I come here? Why did I do this? I can’t handle this. I need to get out of here!!!, etc”. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that these phobias are NEVER not at the forefront of my mind. Even when I’m asleep. They are literally in my dreams. Yes, I consistently dream of my biggest fears happening. They are as vivid as watching a movie and sometimes, I wake up in full body sweats with everything drenched, soaking wet. Sexy, huh? Ask my ex, there were times when I would wake up screaming for my mom or in a FULL BLOWN panic attack because I thought someone in the next room was getting sick, etc. And depending on your fears, sometimes they DO happen and that, well, that sucks. No, it fucking sucks!

What does a full-blown panic attack look like for me? I’ll summarize it as best I can by saying it’s a painful, confusing, embarrassing, physically and emotionally draining episode of uncontrollable shaking that can last hours, shortness of breath, lack of oxygen, nausea, diarrhea, heart racing, crying, collapsing to the floor and at times, passing out. Sounds fun, right?

It has happened to me more times than I can recall while doing these “awesome, amazing things that someone with these illnesses couldn’t possibly do”. I won’t bore you with the details or the dozens of stories but let me just say that my anxiety has caused me to leave 2 STATES, California and New York, DURING PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACKS, (fight or flight style) and fly back home while away doing these amazing things. It happens ALL the time. Sometimes I handle attacks better than others. (You know you have a problem when you have to leave the state to escape your anxiety/panic attack).

People don’t know the REAL reason that I hardly work or why I cancel most of the plans I make, or why I sleep so much or why I’ll stay home for days at a time or why I lose a ton of weight or why I massively obsess and can’t get over things that most people would just brush off. It’s a constant struggle every second of every day. Some days are better than others but there is NEVER a day without it. Literally NEVER. But, most of the time that you’re with me, you’ll never even notice.

I have suffered literally my entire life. I’m talking, being 2 years old and passionately reasoning/debating with my mom as to why I couldn’t go to daycare. Crying and sitting in the nurses office or getting in trouble with my teachers all through elementary school, so that someone would have to come and pick me up. I was a little kid and didn’t know how else to express the anxiety that I was feeling. I just knew that, I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE!! I still suffer from that intense, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!, anxiety to this very day.

I had such severe anxiety all the time, that I was physically sick and in doctors offices constantly my entire childhood and adolescent years. I vividly remember what my childhood therapists office looked like and what my pediatricians office looked like. I remember my parents bringing me out of state to the best specialists for my stomach issues (all anxiety related, however we did not know it at the time). I spent my entire life in doctors offices.

Anxiety is why I just barely graduated school. I had to graduate a year late because I couldn’t get myself to go my freshman year. It is why I didn’t further my education and why I have not been able to “successfully” work full-time. When I’ve attempted to work full time (which I have many times in the past), it was always short-lived and with horrible attendance and ALWAYS ended due to my anxiety. I always resigned because as smart as I am intellectually, I was more often than not, too anxious to function, let alone handle the daily tasks of a normal job. But, I tried and tried and tried none the less. Always just hoped that one day, it would get better. It never did. So, I had to find things that worked for me. I am grateful every single day for my amazing friends, Mark (working from home for shop2care for the last 4 years was incredible for me) and Cindy for always giving me a job and accommodating my untraditional requests and needs. I can never thank you enough.

I have never had an issue (although many of my fellow sufferers have and I understand why) with people when they casually say they have OCD, “I am soooo ocd”, or “omg, I have the worst anxiety”. (But, do you really though??). Please know that I am in no way minimizing what anyone else is suffering with, but for many of us, these disorders have taken away our abilities to lead normal, productive lives as we are literal prisoners to our illnesses. I have learned how to hide it so well, that people are usually shocked to learn how much I actually suffer. Other times, it’s blatantly obvious. I am beyond grateful for all of my friends who know all about me and love me not in spite of these things but because of them. I have the most incredible support system. More than anyone could ask for.

Anyway, if you know someone who seems to have everything and seems to have it all together; someone that does all these super cool things, remember you never really know what’s going on inside or what’s NOT being shown to you via social media, etc. You don’t know what they are dealing with when they are doing all of these things that are so cool and amazing and fun. Many of us, 🙋🏼‍♀️ are literally FORCING ourselves to suffer through (as these things are rarely enjoyable for us because our brains are on constant high alert and not focused on the fun, amazing things we are doing). And sometimes, we are doing it with our therapists on speed dial. Literally….

I’m sorry again Karina, for all of the times that I texted, called, emailed you excessively; even in the middle of the night. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Thank you for ALWAYS being there.

ALERT– Cue anxiety/ocd brain, (I’ll do this in writing for you to see what my mind is currently thinking at this very moment as I just said “I love you” to my therapist)

[ “I don’t mean like, literally love. Like, I’m not, IN love with her. Is she going to think I meant that I’m IN love with her? I just meant, I love her for everything she has done for me and who she is as a person and therapist. Should I erase that whole line? Should I leave it? She would tell me to leave it, so I’m leaving it. Etc, etc, etc…..

Fun, right?

And why did I write this at 2 o’clock in the morning? Because tomorrow I have an appointment at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and because of that, I won’t be able to sleep tonight because, “what if I don’t feel well in the morning? And what if I get sick? And what if I have to cancel? We’re supposed to cancel 24 hours in advance. What if I don’t make it there on time? What if someone gets sick while I’m in the waiting room? What if the person that went in before me is sick? What if the doctor is sick? I should call right now and leave a cancellation message on the after hours voicemail. No, I’m not gonna do that because I really need to go, etc. etc. etc”. Finally cancels appointment and relieves anxiety. Then realizes it was a mistake to cancel and anxiety goes back up.

Get it?

“I should proof read this again and correct all the errors” again and again and again and again…….