the EX factor

the EX factor

Ohhhhhhh ex’s. Some we love, some we hate, some we love to hate and some we hate to love but the one thing we all have in common, is that we all have them. Times certainly have changed. People give up far more easily now than ever before. Why work on fixing an imperfect relationship when you can just end it and resume “swiping” on your dating apps? I mean, it’s a no brainer. Clearly there must be someone else out there that will fulfill you and make your life way more complete than your current partner ever could. I mean, after all, the grass IS always greener on the other side, right? You should have given up sooner! What took you so long? (I wish you could hear the sarcasm in my mind as I’m typing this). Relationships take work! They aren’t always good. As a matter of fact, most of the time, they’re hard. Really fucking hard. My parents went through many hard times, but they never gave up and now, they’ve been married for like 52 years. They are still best friends and beyond grateful that they worked through everything that life threw at them. It totally would have been way easier for them to have given up, but they knew better. I have friends who aren’t even 40 yet, who are on their 2nd and 3rd marriages!

I hadn’t planned on ever speaking out publicly about my past relationships but as you know, my good friend “Reality” Steve (love him) caught me COMPLETELY off guard on his podcast and asked me questions that I definitely hadn’t anticipated about my ex’s. Since that podcast, I’ve received messages of interest from people asking me to elaborate. I never thought I would be writing a blog post about this, but alas, here we are. The VERY abbreviated version. Enjoy.

I’m 40 years old now. I know, I can’t believe it either; and I, like almost every 40yr old, believed that I would be married and settled down by now and honestly, I could have been had I continued to live a lie and forced myself to marry a man. So glad I didn’t do that. I can honestly say that even though I’ve been in many relationships, I’ve only truly been in love twice in my life. The first was with a guy that I dated when I was young. I loved him for 14 years but when I was finally honest with myself, I realized that I loved him only as a best friend. It took me meeting the other love of my life at 36yrs old, to really know the difference. That love completely took me by surprise and was unlike anything I had ever felt. Our relationship was like…..kismet. I knew that I wanted to marry her. I had NEVER felt this way before. We began by dating long distance for a year. I had just signed a lease on my apartment and she wasn’t ready, so we waited. That was the hardest wait ever. All I wanted, was to be with her; but we made it work by visiting as often as we could. We had issues at times. Things were not perfect during that year, but we loved each other and worked through the issues as best we could from afar. Once I moved to be with her, we could not seem to get on the same page. The love was there but we had issues that we could not resolve. This led to the worst, most painful break up of my life.

Carrie Bradshaw once said in an episode of Sex and the City ⬇️

Well, the answer to that question is different for everyone and heavily depends on your capacity to love and retain love.

She and I are friends now. It took about a year and a half but she reached out and I responded after a while and thus began the friendship.

This next part has nothing to do with my ex or how we did or did not handle our break up. This is just general information that is helpful when going through a break up.

{The most important thing to remember when going through a break up (provided that the relationship/break up didn’t cause you to be in an unsafe situation) is that at one point in time, you had an immense amount of love and compassion for that person. When you just want to yell or place blame or avoid altogether, REMEMBER, be empathetic or at least sympathetic to what the other person is also going through. Force yourself to see things from their point of view. It’s really hard, but do it. I promise you’ll feel better in the long run. Eliminate any defensiveness and listen with your heart. We all have an instinctual desire to be right. Accepting fault causes guilt and that’s a horrible emotion to feel. But do you know what is an amazing feeling? Taking away someone else’s pain and suffering. If I can take away someone else’s pain by simply saying that I’m sorry (even if I’m not wrong), or swallowing my pride to ease the grief of someone I once loved deeply, I’ll do it every time. Break ups suck and can be devastating but it’s how you choose to handle them, that makes all the difference.}

Thank you friends for reading this post and as always, message me your thoughts. I always love hearing from you all.

Xoxo- Melissa

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